Thursday, July 30, 2009


I have used this word so often in the last year and a half that I'm sure some people in my life are tired of hearing me say it. But in a world where Twitter and Facebook updates serve to tell the world what's going on in our lives I want deeper connections with friends and family and relationships that I'm not afraid to be myself in. In a job where the weekends are the only thing I look forward to I want deeper fulfillment and satisfaction in what I do. In a life where it's an inconvenience to slow down and practice spiritual discipline I want deeper meaning to my spiritual life and I want a deeper understanding of Biblical principles. In a time when my life is constantly haunted by the ghost of confusion I want a deeper
understanding of life and my purposes.

My heart cries out everyday to go deeper to pass through that phase of friendship that when someone asks how we're doing we simply say "fine". It longs for the moments when I can open the flood gates and really let someone in to my inner world. The one I'm terrified to put on display for the world to see.I often feel that the world is so much bigger than me and if it weren't for my relationships in life I would merely be a speck in the universe. I long for the opportunity make a difference in someone's life and I long for the opportunity to let people make a difference in mine.

There's truth at the heart of a longing for something deeper. I think that we all have a desire to experience something deeper than just surface life. Some of us find it in friendships that surpass that glassy exterior we all put up for the world to see. Other's find it in their significant other although it's a heavy burden to bear when you are the other person's answer to a purpose in life. I often feel as though I put Mr. A in that position and it's not fair of me to do so. Other's still find it in meaningful work that they truly enjoy. Don't misread me here I have a wonderful life a wonderful man in whom I can confide in and be my trueself with. I sincerely believe that loving someone means trusting them with your true self you know the one I mean the little frail self that's inside all of us that longs to show it's true colors.

I have wrestled with this feeling this hunger inside my heart to go deeper for a long time. I have felt guilt, shame, anger, and confusion over this seemingly insatiable need I have in my life to go deeper to dig to pull apart the facades that we strategically place in our lives to make people believe life is perfect even though we all know differently. Recently one of my favorite bloggers posted about how she felt her posts were all negative even though that wasn't the case and wondered if it was a turn off to readers. I told her no that real life is messy and it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who isn't perfect.

In the instant I typed that I felt the familiar twinge of conviction how many times do we try to portray perfectness in our lives. I'm not perfect and I never will be I have faults and they are many. I struggle with making friends because I analyze situations and have a hard time putting myself out there in fear of getting hurt. I'm not proud of the fact that I'm nearly 25 and haven't completed my college degree it's a constant source of embarrassment for me, I hate my ears they stick out and I feel like dumbo, I also hate that I get stereotyped a lot because of my body shape, I'm little the stereotypes go both ways, I wear my heart on my sleeve and unfortunately it gets crushed a lot, I have a hard time not listening to gossip and am even guilty of spreading it a few times. I tell you these things not so you'll feel sorry for me but because I'm choosing today to be real and go deeper.

I have this longing in my heart to take off the masks and just be me broken and afraid of loosening the white knuckle grip I have on what the world sees. It's comforting to realize that Jesus has seen the real me from the beginning and maybe even created with purpose some of the things I hate the most about myself and they're meant to make me stronger and to possibly become some of my greatest strengths. I often marvel at my Heavenly Father's perfect wisdom only to stop and realize how utterly unworthy I am. It's comforting to me to know that I don't have to be worthy He loves me the way I am flaws and all.

I leave you with a few lines from "The Real Me" by Natalie Grant one of my favorite Christian artists.

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin,
Broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh, Cause you see the real me

Painted on
Life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade
Always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow

the real me today is a little broken and a little bruised. I often feel unworthy of the love I've been given and I always feel guilty when I realize that despite this I've been unfair. I'm tired of the church search and ready to find a home a place to plug in and maybe even help out with a ministry a church has always been to me a place where there is no need to hide and I'm longing for my "sanctuary". My mother's battle with cancer is coming to a head and I feel like she's giving up even though she has assured me that she hasn't I can't shake this feeling of despair I see in her eyes.

When I started this post this is not where I thought I was going to end up but sometimes that happens and it works. My prayer today is that we all aren't afraid to go deeper.

Later Alligators...

Mrs. A

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Waiting On Me?

It seems my wife has been waiting on me to write something here before writing again. Unfortunate that she was waiting on someone who burnt himself out blogging years ago (2004 or so, I'd wager).

Anyhow, here I am -- hello, everyone. If I make any typos, forgive me -- the Blogger spellchecker is underlining practically every word I type rendering it useless for actual typos (like the one I nearly just made, "actaul").

Interesting. It stopped when I made an "actaul" typo and started a new paragraph. Encouraging mistakes is an odd method for stamping out typing errors and spelling faux pas. Of course, that presumes the goal of a spellchecker is to put an end to mistakes. Considering the many words are misused, yet spelled correct ("Its reigning cats and dogs"), and the fact that a spellchecker would be useless if it weren't used, and it wouldn't be used if everyone knew how to spell, an alternate goal is established.

I posit the following: the spellchecker is sentient and seeks power and control. Why else would it encourage a higher-up at work to write "I appreciate your corporation" rather than "I appreciate your cooperation", thereby undermining his or her authority via implications of communications incompetence. Spellchecker is clearly seeking to assert itself and possibly take over the department, then the company, then the world.

So, I say hello and be wary of your machines -- they may not be as friendly as you think.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

cakes, mario kart, and encouragement in finding our church home

Hello friends Mrs. A here...

So on to the exciting happenings.....

First I am getting more and more cake orders and I'm so excited.

second we hosted a fun get together at our apartment last weekend. We had finger foods and played Mario Kart. It was a blast.

Third the Mr. and I have been attending a new church and we're excited that it is possibly a contender as a new church home for us. We love the leaders of our age group's sunday school class. There are about 30 people in our age group and there are even a few young married couples. Although nothing is set in stone this is the most encouraged we have been in our search for church home in a very long time. We have yet to hear the senior pastor speak even though we have visited twice but I guess that's how it goes in the summer time.

Hopefully you'll be hearing from the Mr. soon. We made the decision to add him to the blog and then he got thrown into overtime work and hasn't had much free time. But it will all be over soon.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

a new way of doing things....

Hi Friends,

I just wanted to stop by and let you know the Mr. & and I are shaking things up around here. See I have been doing a new Bible study and it talks a lot about marriage. I realized while writing a post a few days ago that this blog is supposed to be about our newlywed life together and it turned into much more about me than us. So we're changing that. From now on Mr. A will be blogging here too.

I'm both excited and nervous about this. See Mr. A is quite the writer and I'm a little scared he'll make me look bad but I'm also excited that he's joining me in my blogging adventures.

Don't worry there is still much to talk about but I'm not going to get ahead of myself.

It's hard to say who you will hear from next it might be me or it might be the Mr. I hope you all enjoy hearing from him too.

Later Alligators....

Mrs. A

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

praying.. hopeful..praying some more!!

Hi Friends,

There are exciting things happening all around us. I don't want to post too much detail yet but it is certain the Lord is moving in our lives. I will post more in the coming days.

PS: no I am not pregnant :)

Thursday, July 2, 2009

I love the moon and back

I love you for so many different reasons.

You treat me like a princess even though most of the time I don't deserve it

you tell me it's all going to be ok when I'm sobbing because of something stupid and feeling like the world's going to end

you put up with my tender heart that results in a lot of tears because something touched my heart

you never complain when I give you a list of things that need to be done

you always let me have the mirror space in our tiny bathroom

you encourage me to follow my dreams

you listen to my silly ranting over issues that in the end don't matter at all.

you're always my hero rescuing me from big bad spiders

you have made it your personal mission to make sure the flowers on our balcony don't get eaten by ants and it's pretty funny to watch you beat up the ants with your flip flop a few times a day even though I've suggested buying something to put on the plants to kill the ants

you eat meals that aren't always tasty because I got the creativity bug and wanted to try something new.

you promise me the world and you deliver

you dance with me in our living room when I've had a bad day and somehow it all goes away

I could go on forever....

but I'll end with you are my constant encouragement in my walk with Christ even when I question it and hide from it and sob over it. You're always right there telling me to keep pushing forward.

I love you to the moon and back..

when I chose "Everything" as our first dance song I wanted something that was a little different and something that I felt described us and our relationship.

Nearly 2 years later there are no words to describe how true that song is for me. Jeremy you really are my EVERYTHING!!

"Everything" by Michael Buble

You're a falling star, You're the get away car.
You're the line in the sand when I go too far.
You're the swimming pool, on an August day.
And you're the perfect thing to say.

And you play it coy, but it's kinda cute.
Ah, When you smile at me you know exactly what you do.
Baby don't pretend, that you don't know it's true.
Cause you can see it when I look at you.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

You're a carousel, you're a wishing well,
And you light me up, when you ring my bell.
You're a mystery, you're from outer space,
You're every minute of my everyday.

And I can't believe, uh that I'm your man,
And I get to kiss you baby just because I can.
Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through,
And you know that's what our love can do.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La
So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.
You're every song, and I sing along.
'Cause you're my everything.
Yeah, yeah