Thursday, January 26, 2012

Picking Up The Pieces

Well life goes on and this little smiling face has kept me going I am convinced she has made me a stronger person than before I had her.

I have begun the all important first birthday preparations,as it is officially 1 month away :(  .
I can't even believe we're already here. I feel like we just brought her home from the hospital yesterday, and here she is ELEVEN months old, eating table food, and trying to walk! Our birthday theme is "You Are My Sunshine" shamelessly stolen from Katie @ Loves Of Life but we're putting our own spin on it. "You Are My Sunshine" and "Edelweiss" are the songs I sing to Carys every night at bed time and I wasn't sure how to plan a party around "Edelweiss" so we went with "You Are My Sunshine". We are choosing yellow roses to be at the center of a lot of the decorations because they were my mom's favorite and it's my subtle way of making her a part of the day. When I think about the fact that she won't be there to see our precious little girl turn one my heart just aches, but I know she'll be smiling down on us from Heaven that day.

Life slowly has begun to move on and I don't find myself reaching for the phone multiple times a day to call mom. It's only about once a day now that I think "gosh I haven't talked to mom all day" It's still a very weird normal without momma but I'm starting to embrace my new role in life. I still have a text message from her and a voicemail on my phone that I can't bring myself to delete I'm not sure if I ever will. I miss her in the still moments, in the celebrations, in the horrible moments, I am doing ok in the normality of everyday. I broke down and bawled my eyes out and what should've been a happy moment Carys took her first steps and all I could think was "I want to tell mom".

It's a slow process to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and begin patching them back together, but I feel as though I'm doing ok. I get hurt when people try to tell me they understand what I'm going through when I know they haven't walked in my shoes. A word of advice from a grieving daughter the words "I understand what you're going through" cut like a knife to someone who's just lost their mom when they hear it from someone who still has both their parents.

So Carys's birthday planning is keeping me occupied right now, and after it's over I have a list of other projects to keep myself busy. I just keep telling myself that I will rejoice in the day God has given me and if I just keep moving and don't give myself time to sit and be miserable I can begin to heal.

This post is not meant to be a downer because I want everyone to know yes I'm broken, yes I'm scarred, yes I am a motherless daughter, but I'm doing ok and each day is a little better than the last.

Later Alligators......

Mrs. A

Friday, January 20, 2012

Don't Wait

Warning: Emotional Post Ahead with no filter, it's my brain dump of how I have felt the last 10 days.

It's now been 10 days that my mother has been gone. It was hard for me to get up the morning after her death knowing that I couldn't talk to her anymore knowing that she wasn't here. It's strange the sensation that takes over when you lose the only parent you know it's like the feeling that suddenly you have to be a grown up, it's like losing your favorite security blanket, there is no longer anyone for you to fall back on and you are suddenly left to face this big scary world all on your own. I am fortunate I have my faith and I have rested in the arms of my Heavenly father for the last 10 days, I also have my wonderful supportive husband, my in laws, my church family, and my siblings, but no one replaces your mother and no one ever can.

Losing her was and is the most pain I have ever experienced in my life. If I had just one word of advice to give and it would be this DON'T WAIT. If you have a rocky relationship with your mother fix it, say what you need to say, spend the extra time, make the extra phone call, take the extra minute out of your day to say I love you, because take it from me you will regret it when you lose her if you don't. In the end momma was hard to be around for me because the sickness had taken so much of her vitality and I made excuses for not being there as often as I could have, I made excuses for not calling and I even complained about having to spend time with her and it kills me just a little bit inside to think I could have had more time, I could have had more conversations because now I would give ANYTHING for just one more conversation, one more hug, one more minute with her!

Tuesday January 10, 2012 will go down as the worst day of my life, had I known that when I woke that morning it would be the last time I would wake knowing my momma was just a phone call away I would've lived the day differently. I'd had dental surgery the day before and I woke to quite a bit of pain, my sister called to tell me to come see mom and I stalled complaining about my tooth hurting, and simply not wanting to go see her because it hurt to see her in pain. I stalled until I couldn't stall anymore and I made it to my momma's bedside just two hours before she took her last breath, two hours that seemed like two minutes, two hours to say everything I wanted to say to her.

Yes I was there, I was there when she died and I am forever blessed and haunted by that memory. I wouldn't change being there for anything but, I also can't shake the image of her last breath from my head.  I could never find the words to say to momma what I needed to say, I needed her to know that it was ok to go on and be with Jesus so instead of talking I sang to her the song she sang to me when I was little and had a bad day, I sang "Count Your Blessings" and through tear stained eyes I watched my momma close her eyes and finally be at peace. My heart aches in ways I never even knew possible and I am unsure how to move forward how to go on with life in this new and strange normal. I have in all senses of the word gone back to life after her Memorial on Monday the 16th, I've gone back to work, I've resumed all daily activities but it's just so very different.

So don't wait friends, call your mothers, tell them you love them, take the extra photos, make sure your children spend as much time as possible with their grandmothers, and while doing so please remember my sweet little girl who won't remember ever meeting her Grandma Sandy. Don't wait! GO RIGHT NOW!!! CALL HER!! I'd give anything if I could!

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings. Wealth can never buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be disheartened, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

It's not's just farewell

It's not goodbye it's just farewell.

Rest In Glorious Peace Mama!
09•18•1945 - 01•10•12

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times

And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways

The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye

And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have To see you again To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Monday, January 9, 2012


So today I visited the dentist to have a tooth extraction and implant done yuck. So it's safe to say I'm not feeling the best, it's been a long day and my mouth is very sore. But in the midst of all the pain I felt so blessed my sweet Mr. A took off work early to take care of me and to watch baby Carys so that I could rest. While I was napping on the couch my sweet girl would pull up on the edge of the sofa and pat my shoulder as if to say "feel better mommy" I felt so loved and so blessed to be a part of my amazing little family.
I often find myself wishing that I could change things about my life and about myself but the truth is after days like today I realize I am right where I need to be. Sure money can be tight, sure I wish my house stayed cleaner, sure I wish I was in better shape, sure I wish my whole family was healthy, but in the still moments of the day when I look around and I see Carys's toys strung out all over the living room floor I am reminded of the moments we had playing with those toys the evening before, or when I see the dirty dishes in the sink I am reminded of the meal Mr. A and I cooked together, or even when I look in the mirror to see a swollen jaw and sore spot where a tooth once was I am reminded of how my loving family took good care of their mommy today and I can't help but feel overwhelmingly blessed.

Later Alligators....

Mrs. A

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

2012 looks to be an exciting year!

After posting about losing my wonderful bakery job I received a heads up that another bakery was hiring. I went interviewed and officially accepted the position. Today was my first day and I had an absolute blast. The best part is that I have a part time schedule still so I get to spend a lot of time with my little lady. I always know in my heart that God is faithful and will provide exactly what our little family needs but sometimes my head doubts in those moments I will always remember the last few months of 2011 and just how amazing God worked everything in His Will and for His Glory.  So I start the new year with a new job, and a thankful heart.

Some things we have to look forward to in 2012 include:

This little lady's first birthday in just a little over a month!

We'll have special Holiday celebrations like Carys's first Valentine's Day, and 2nd Easter.

We have spring and it's beautiful new growth and chances to play outside, we have summer and the opportunity to have lazy days at the pool, and of course my favorite season Fall and all it's glory.

In October Mr. A and I will celebrate 5 amazing, incredible, and absolutely crazy years of marriage.

and in November Mr. A will turn 30.

Just a few of the highlights we'll get to experience in 2012. I know that I have some sad moments coming at some point this year but I am not going to focus on them I am going to celebrate any and all time we have left with mom and make the time as joyful as possible. I'm going to choose to be thankful that my mother got to meet my child I remember at one point I wasn't sure that would happen, I'm going to be thankful she saw me get married, and I'm going to be thankful she was there the day I became a mom. I'm not going to be sad for the things she won't be here for because I'll have her with me always in my heart. Whew sorry didn't mean to go off on an emotional tangent there but that's where I am in life right now so it'll happen occasionally.

I do have a few goals for 2012 I don't really care for the word resolution so I just call them goals.

1. unplug more often I catch myself checking my phone when I should be soaking up my sweet girl's laughter and smiles I don't want to look back and not remember her as she is right now.

2. I'm planning on running a 5K in April with a friend.

3. be better to myself 2011 rocked my world in so many ways the most notable of which made me a mommy and along with that came a lot of self neglect as my whole focus is often on my family I just want to take the extra time to make sure I stay healthy and have occasional girl time.

That's it nothing majorly drastic; oh sure I'd like to be more organized, and I have put measures in place to make sure we eat at home more often, but I'm not making those my goals I'm just making them plans.

I hope everyone has had a smooth start to the new year!

Later Alligators....

Mrs. A