We had a beautiful first Easter as a family of three but more on that in another post later this evening. This one will be short and sweet. We got Carys' CT scan results back and her bump is not harmful to her in anyway, does not require any treatment and will possibly eventually go away on it's own. We are most assuredly BLESSED!! Thanks to everyone who prayed for our little girl I speak for all three of us when I say we are so grateful!!
Later Alligators...
Mrs. A
Monday, April 25, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
the post in which I whine about going back to work & other things
PSA: This post is nothing more than a gripe and whine session written by a teary eyed new mom who had to return to work this week if you don't want to read a lot of whining feel free to visit me another day.
Well it's Friday and that means a heck of a lot more to me this week than it has in a long time. You see I started back to work this week and it's been pretty much the week from Hades. There are numerous things about being back at work that I am not enjoying but the number one thing is having to leave my sweet baby at daycare for 8 hours a day. Talk about sucky! I knew that leaving Carys would be hard heck I cried leaving her with her daddy to go to Target for an hour, but I seriously felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and stomped on.
I have literally bawled my eyes out all the way to work every single day uh so forget about wearing make up there's just no point, and then to make matters worse my well meaning co-workers will ask how she is doing and I will squeak out "she's fine" and look away before the tears start again. I have a picture on my desk of her but am thinking of removing it since looking at it always makes me tear up. To make things even more complicated I am pumping at work to keep my milk supply up and for Carys to have bottled breastmilk at daycare, the only way I can get my milk to let down is to look at pictures of my sweet baby and I even have a few videos so then I spend my entire pump time silently crying over missing my baby only to have to pull myself together to go back to my desk.
Pumping sucks plain and simple there is nothing that feels good about being strapped to a machine three times a day and that's not even mentioning my co-workers are not being very supportive about me needing to pump, I'm getting a lot of questions over how long I will need to keep up this schedule, and why am I bothering breastfeeding and comments such as; I should just give my baby formula (There is nothing wrong with formula and until we got Carys' issues worked out she was getting formula and she still gets the occassional formula bottle at daycare if I can't pump enough to keep up with her I just have a desire to breastfeed), or even I should just give my baby cereal as early as possible to cut down on the need for breastmilk. I just smile and say uh huh while in my head thinking please don't tell me how to raise my baby. Working mothers have a tough road and if you get to stay at home I envy you, I want to be you but please don't judge me for having to work I am judged enough at work.
My heart is aching and I just want to be with my baby. Me thinks Mr. A and I have a big talk coming over how much my income is really needed or how we could at least get by on me just working part time.
Sorry this post is a big downer :( but it's how I am feeling and I never claimed to blog for any other reason than to express my feelings, thoughts, and ideas.
Later Alligators...
Mrs. A
Well it's Friday and that means a heck of a lot more to me this week than it has in a long time. You see I started back to work this week and it's been pretty much the week from Hades. There are numerous things about being back at work that I am not enjoying but the number one thing is having to leave my sweet baby at daycare for 8 hours a day. Talk about sucky! I knew that leaving Carys would be hard heck I cried leaving her with her daddy to go to Target for an hour, but I seriously felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and stomped on.
I have literally bawled my eyes out all the way to work every single day uh so forget about wearing make up there's just no point, and then to make matters worse my well meaning co-workers will ask how she is doing and I will squeak out "she's fine" and look away before the tears start again. I have a picture on my desk of her but am thinking of removing it since looking at it always makes me tear up. To make things even more complicated I am pumping at work to keep my milk supply up and for Carys to have bottled breastmilk at daycare, the only way I can get my milk to let down is to look at pictures of my sweet baby and I even have a few videos so then I spend my entire pump time silently crying over missing my baby only to have to pull myself together to go back to my desk.
Pumping sucks plain and simple there is nothing that feels good about being strapped to a machine three times a day and that's not even mentioning my co-workers are not being very supportive about me needing to pump, I'm getting a lot of questions over how long I will need to keep up this schedule, and why am I bothering breastfeeding and comments such as; I should just give my baby formula (There is nothing wrong with formula and until we got Carys' issues worked out she was getting formula and she still gets the occassional formula bottle at daycare if I can't pump enough to keep up with her I just have a desire to breastfeed), or even I should just give my baby cereal as early as possible to cut down on the need for breastmilk. I just smile and say uh huh while in my head thinking please don't tell me how to raise my baby. Working mothers have a tough road and if you get to stay at home I envy you, I want to be you but please don't judge me for having to work I am judged enough at work.
My heart is aching and I just want to be with my baby. Me thinks Mr. A and I have a big talk coming over how much my income is really needed or how we could at least get by on me just working part time.
Sorry this post is a big downer :( but it's how I am feeling and I never claimed to blog for any other reason than to express my feelings, thoughts, and ideas.
Later Alligators...
Mrs. A
Monday, April 4, 2011
A Test of Faith
Hello my sweet friends thank you all so much for your comments on my last two posts. Nursing is improving and I think we're finally sort of settling into a little routine. But I am facing the biggest challenge my faith has ever battled and I am calling out for prayers.
For you to really understand my battle let me back up to about a week ago. On Tuesday afternoon Carys and I were doing our usual afternoon routine of time on her play gym after her nap. It came time for a diaper change and I've been trying to get Carys to smile for me so I was blowing raspberries on her tummy and tickling her while I changed her. That's when I noticed something wasn't right I felt a lump. So I undressed her laid her back down on the changing mat and looked at her only to see a protruding lump on the left side of her chest near her rib cage. I freaked out then calmed myself down and called the pediatrician and explained what I had found and we went in to see her the next morning. Over the course of the evening my mind ran several scenarios but I was so sure that it was just something silly and the doctor would laugh at me for being the "paranoid new mommy", but that wasn't the case.
Upon examination of my sweet girl the doctor said words that made my stomach drop. "I don't know what it is, and I think we need to do an ultrasound" so I waited for the nurse to call and we had the ultrasound at the hospital on Thursday. Having to hold down my baby girl while she cried and tried to scoot closer to me so the tech could get a good shot of her lump was ridiculously painful but I was hopeful that we would have answers afterwards. The next day which was Friday I broke down and called the pediatricians office desperately hoping I wouldn't have to wait until Monday for answers only to be told I'd have to do just that. So I resigned myself to wait and this past weekend was very long and agonizing as my mind went to some dark places. I took solace in a great church service and amazing friends who have offered up so many prayers for my precious baby. Last night I started to get anxious knowing I'd hear something today and Carys must've felt it because we had a lot of difficulties nursing and she could only be consoled if her daddy was holding her.
I didn't have to wait long for the call from the pediatrician's office as it came in right around 9 AM shortly after I put Carys down for her morning nap. My hand shook as I answered the call hoping to hear the good news that it was simply something that would go away on it's own or that was easily manageable, but again my hopes were dashed. Instead I was told that the ultrasound was inconclusive and we would need to do a CT Scan to know what it was, I said OK and then the nurse said something that made humongous tears well up in my eyes, as I was thinking this isn't so bad the voice on the other end of the line so nonchalantly said "this will be done at Children's Hospital and she will have to be sedated for it". My precious baby girl that I would absolutely lay down my life for has to be sedated as tiny as she is.
I hung up the phone called Mr. A and immediately burst into tears I texted my girlfriends and asked for prayers and then tried to calm myself down before Carys woke up. The rest of the morning was a haze as I waited for the call to know when the scan would be scheduled. I got the call at 12:15 the scan will not be until April 19th.
That is two weeks from tomorrow. Two weeks of not knowing what this lump is, two weeks of my mind wandering to very very dark places, two weeks of praying and pleading with God to let this be just a nuisance we deal with and not something worse, two weeks of agonizing wait, two weeks for the fear over the appointment to continue to well up inside me, two weeks of horrible nightmares, and two weeks of having my faith completely challenged more so than it has ever been in my entire life.
There is one comforting thing through all of this Carys doesn't seem to be affected in the least. The lump doesn't bother her, she is eating fine, she doesn't mind it being touched and prodded, she is sleeping fine, and she is having regular bowel movements and she is gaining weight. Right now that is my only peace.
Until Next Time....
Mrs. A
For you to really understand my battle let me back up to about a week ago. On Tuesday afternoon Carys and I were doing our usual afternoon routine of time on her play gym after her nap. It came time for a diaper change and I've been trying to get Carys to smile for me so I was blowing raspberries on her tummy and tickling her while I changed her. That's when I noticed something wasn't right I felt a lump. So I undressed her laid her back down on the changing mat and looked at her only to see a protruding lump on the left side of her chest near her rib cage. I freaked out then calmed myself down and called the pediatrician and explained what I had found and we went in to see her the next morning. Over the course of the evening my mind ran several scenarios but I was so sure that it was just something silly and the doctor would laugh at me for being the "paranoid new mommy", but that wasn't the case.
Upon examination of my sweet girl the doctor said words that made my stomach drop. "I don't know what it is, and I think we need to do an ultrasound" so I waited for the nurse to call and we had the ultrasound at the hospital on Thursday. Having to hold down my baby girl while she cried and tried to scoot closer to me so the tech could get a good shot of her lump was ridiculously painful but I was hopeful that we would have answers afterwards. The next day which was Friday I broke down and called the pediatricians office desperately hoping I wouldn't have to wait until Monday for answers only to be told I'd have to do just that. So I resigned myself to wait and this past weekend was very long and agonizing as my mind went to some dark places. I took solace in a great church service and amazing friends who have offered up so many prayers for my precious baby. Last night I started to get anxious knowing I'd hear something today and Carys must've felt it because we had a lot of difficulties nursing and she could only be consoled if her daddy was holding her.
I didn't have to wait long for the call from the pediatrician's office as it came in right around 9 AM shortly after I put Carys down for her morning nap. My hand shook as I answered the call hoping to hear the good news that it was simply something that would go away on it's own or that was easily manageable, but again my hopes were dashed. Instead I was told that the ultrasound was inconclusive and we would need to do a CT Scan to know what it was, I said OK and then the nurse said something that made humongous tears well up in my eyes, as I was thinking this isn't so bad the voice on the other end of the line so nonchalantly said "this will be done at Children's Hospital and she will have to be sedated for it". My precious baby girl that I would absolutely lay down my life for has to be sedated as tiny as she is.
I hung up the phone called Mr. A and immediately burst into tears I texted my girlfriends and asked for prayers and then tried to calm myself down before Carys woke up. The rest of the morning was a haze as I waited for the call to know when the scan would be scheduled. I got the call at 12:15 the scan will not be until April 19th.
That is two weeks from tomorrow. Two weeks of not knowing what this lump is, two weeks of my mind wandering to very very dark places, two weeks of praying and pleading with God to let this be just a nuisance we deal with and not something worse, two weeks of agonizing wait, two weeks for the fear over the appointment to continue to well up inside me, two weeks of horrible nightmares, and two weeks of having my faith completely challenged more so than it has ever been in my entire life.
There is one comforting thing through all of this Carys doesn't seem to be affected in the least. The lump doesn't bother her, she is eating fine, she doesn't mind it being touched and prodded, she is sleeping fine, and she is having regular bowel movements and she is gaining weight. Right now that is my only peace.
Until Next Time....
Mrs. A
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
maternity pic sneak pic
Due to the lovely weather we had in Oklahoma Mr. A and I ended up taking maternity photos just one week before little Carys made her arrival. We are just now getting them back it's a strange sensation to look at these now that Carys is actually here. I wasn't great at taking weekly bump pictures during pregnancy so I am so glad we have these pics to remember my first pregnancy.
Later Alligators...
Mrs. A
Later Alligators...
Mrs. A
Thursday, March 24, 2011
The hardest job I'll ever love....
Hi Friends,
My apologies for my absence from the blogging world lately. I've been loving on a sweet girl and learning to be a mommy which is simultaneously the hardest and greatest thing I've ever experienced.
Tomorrow is my sweet Carys' one month birthday and I can't hardly believe it's already been 4 weeks since she arrived. In some ways it still feels like yesterday.
I could write a post about how wonderful life has been since she arrived but I pride myself on going deeper and showcasing the real me so I hope you won't mind but I'm going to keep it real.
Don't get me wrong my baby girl is the absolute apple of my eye and brings joy to every moment of my day, but being a mommy is hard plain and simple. Carys has had some issues gaining weight since we brought her home from the hospital. For starters she was jaundice and had to be under the billirubin lights at home for 2 days which absolutely broke my heart all I wanted to do as a new momma was cuddle my baby and I couldn't I had to leave her under the lights unless she was nursing.
Unfortunately lowering her billirubin levels wasn't the end of our struggles; at our two week check up she hadn't gained any weight from what she weighed the day we checked out of the hospital. So we nursed even more often and when we went back for a weight check it looked like we were moving in the right direction. Then came the acid reflux and the constant spitting up and crying and the next weight check two days later she'd lost again, we continued this trend for two weeks until finally yesterday at her weight check she had continued gaining and is now over her birth weight. I think I did a happy dance in the pediatrician's office!
But that victory didn't come without some defeat, we had to start supplementing her feedings with formula to get her weight up, talk about breaking this breastfeeding momma's heart, I felt like a complete failure that my milk wasn't enough to sustain and support growth in my daughter. I spent many a nights crying after a nursing session when my sweet girl would spit up half of what she'd taken from me and then down a bottle of special formula that's made for babies with acid reflux like a champ. I'm happy to say she still nurses more than she takes formula but I absolutely had my heart set on exclusively breastfeeding and it kills me a little bit everytime she takes the formula because of acid reflux and after extensive diet limitations to try to figure out if my diet was what was causing the reflux we can't find any one thing that seems to be the problem.
In the end I've made the decision to continue breastfeeding and yes even pumping when I go back to work until at least the 3 month mark and hopefully she will grow out of the relux issues and we can go on to breastfeed to that one year mark like I had planned and if not then I will take solace in the fact that she got my milk for at least the first three months of her life. I know ultimately it's what was best for her but it was still a hard pill to swallow. If any of you mommy's out there have any advice on breastfeeding or any ideas as to why she spits up my milk but not the formula I'm open to any and all ideas or insight you may have.
Sleep has been a whole other issue, for the first week I don't think either myself or Mr. A slept more than 30 minutes at a time. It's gotten steadily better and now that we know a little more about what she prefers we get 3 hour stretches. I never knew I'd wake up doing the happy dance if I got 3 hours of sleep in a row before, but now it's an awesome night if I got to sleep for at least 3 hours in a row at least once. This is where my sweet husband became a rock star on Friday nights he stays up with her and feeds her pumped milk and lets me sleep as much as I can and I love him for doing that for me. Carys and I do our best to let him sleep during the week since we can nap during the day but he has to go to work.
I have cried more than I ever have in my entire life in the last four weeks. I've cried because of sheer exhaustion, frustration, joy, pain (post partum recovery is no cake walk) and so much more but it has all been worth it.
I never knew how big my heart would swell when she came into the world I would day dream about what it would be like to have her here when she was in my belly but, I can honestly say my dreams never did it justice it truly is like my entire heart is laying in the bouncy seat next to me and it truly is the hardest job I'll ever love.
I heard a song today on the radio and the chorus spoke to me so much. The title of the song is "This Is The Stuff" by Francesca Battistelli and the chorus ends with "in the middle of my little mess, I forget how big I'm blessed" I am one blessed lady with an amazing husband and equally amazing daughter and even if things aren't exactly how I'd pictured at the moment I am big time blessed and I thank God everyday for the life he has chosen me for.
and because I can't write a post without adding a few pics of my precious Carys for your enjoyment.
Our first family pic.
First tub bath which she hated....
she's not quite sure what to think of her activity mat.
wide eyed girl.
This picture melts my heart she already loves her daddy so much.
Well that's about all the time I'm going to get cause the girl is starting to fuss, but hopefully this is the beginning of a better trend with my blogging I do truly miss it when I don't blog regularly and there are so many moments I don't want to forget, and no I haven't forgotten her birth story will get told eventually.
Later Alligators....
Mrs. A
My apologies for my absence from the blogging world lately. I've been loving on a sweet girl and learning to be a mommy which is simultaneously the hardest and greatest thing I've ever experienced.
Tomorrow is my sweet Carys' one month birthday and I can't hardly believe it's already been 4 weeks since she arrived. In some ways it still feels like yesterday.
I could write a post about how wonderful life has been since she arrived but I pride myself on going deeper and showcasing the real me so I hope you won't mind but I'm going to keep it real.
Don't get me wrong my baby girl is the absolute apple of my eye and brings joy to every moment of my day, but being a mommy is hard plain and simple. Carys has had some issues gaining weight since we brought her home from the hospital. For starters she was jaundice and had to be under the billirubin lights at home for 2 days which absolutely broke my heart all I wanted to do as a new momma was cuddle my baby and I couldn't I had to leave her under the lights unless she was nursing.
Unfortunately lowering her billirubin levels wasn't the end of our struggles; at our two week check up she hadn't gained any weight from what she weighed the day we checked out of the hospital. So we nursed even more often and when we went back for a weight check it looked like we were moving in the right direction. Then came the acid reflux and the constant spitting up and crying and the next weight check two days later she'd lost again, we continued this trend for two weeks until finally yesterday at her weight check she had continued gaining and is now over her birth weight. I think I did a happy dance in the pediatrician's office!
But that victory didn't come without some defeat, we had to start supplementing her feedings with formula to get her weight up, talk about breaking this breastfeeding momma's heart, I felt like a complete failure that my milk wasn't enough to sustain and support growth in my daughter. I spent many a nights crying after a nursing session when my sweet girl would spit up half of what she'd taken from me and then down a bottle of special formula that's made for babies with acid reflux like a champ. I'm happy to say she still nurses more than she takes formula but I absolutely had my heart set on exclusively breastfeeding and it kills me a little bit everytime she takes the formula because of acid reflux and after extensive diet limitations to try to figure out if my diet was what was causing the reflux we can't find any one thing that seems to be the problem.
In the end I've made the decision to continue breastfeeding and yes even pumping when I go back to work until at least the 3 month mark and hopefully she will grow out of the relux issues and we can go on to breastfeed to that one year mark like I had planned and if not then I will take solace in the fact that she got my milk for at least the first three months of her life. I know ultimately it's what was best for her but it was still a hard pill to swallow. If any of you mommy's out there have any advice on breastfeeding or any ideas as to why she spits up my milk but not the formula I'm open to any and all ideas or insight you may have.
Sleep has been a whole other issue, for the first week I don't think either myself or Mr. A slept more than 30 minutes at a time. It's gotten steadily better and now that we know a little more about what she prefers we get 3 hour stretches. I never knew I'd wake up doing the happy dance if I got 3 hours of sleep in a row before, but now it's an awesome night if I got to sleep for at least 3 hours in a row at least once. This is where my sweet husband became a rock star on Friday nights he stays up with her and feeds her pumped milk and lets me sleep as much as I can and I love him for doing that for me. Carys and I do our best to let him sleep during the week since we can nap during the day but he has to go to work.
I have cried more than I ever have in my entire life in the last four weeks. I've cried because of sheer exhaustion, frustration, joy, pain (post partum recovery is no cake walk) and so much more but it has all been worth it.
I never knew how big my heart would swell when she came into the world I would day dream about what it would be like to have her here when she was in my belly but, I can honestly say my dreams never did it justice it truly is like my entire heart is laying in the bouncy seat next to me and it truly is the hardest job I'll ever love.
I heard a song today on the radio and the chorus spoke to me so much. The title of the song is "This Is The Stuff" by Francesca Battistelli and the chorus ends with "in the middle of my little mess, I forget how big I'm blessed" I am one blessed lady with an amazing husband and equally amazing daughter and even if things aren't exactly how I'd pictured at the moment I am big time blessed and I thank God everyday for the life he has chosen me for.
and because I can't write a post without adding a few pics of my precious Carys for your enjoyment.
Our first family pic.
First tub bath which she hated....
she's not quite sure what to think of her activity mat.
wide eyed girl.
This picture melts my heart she already loves her daddy so much.
and just because I love it here's the sneak peak that our photograpers sent us from her newborn portrait session that was done when she was a week old I cannot wait to get these back!!
Well that's about all the time I'm going to get cause the girl is starting to fuss, but hopefully this is the beginning of a better trend with my blogging I do truly miss it when I don't blog regularly and there are so many moments I don't want to forget, and no I haven't forgotten her birth story will get told eventually.
Later Alligators....
Mrs. A
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