Tuesday, November 20, 2012

A little harder than I thought.

So two days from today will be Thanksgiving just in case you have been living under a rock. While I am thrilled to celebrate this holiday season with my little family. I can't help but feel a deep sense of  sadness. It will be the first Holiday Season without my mom. I feel so torn because part of me is so excited to see the wonder and excitement of Christmas through my daughter's eyes, but the other part is morning the loss of the one who kept the magic alive for me.

My mom did everything she could to keep Christmas magical for me and I desperately want to do the same for my little girl. I heard my first Christmas carol unofficially of the season yesterday and I was a little surprised at the tears that welled up in my eyes as I thought about all the moments I had shared with my mother. When the family gathers on Thursday to celebrate a day of thankfulness I will be overwhelmingly grateful for the beautiful life I have been gifted with, but I will also feel an emptiness that only your mom can fill.

If anything thinking this week about my mother and all she did for me during the holiday season makes me resolve to do the same for Carys. I want her to believe in the magic of Christmas, I'm not necessarily talking about Santa Clause, I'm talking about spending the day baking and decorating cookies for neighbors, buying a gift for a child less fortunate than she is and experiencing the joy of giving, reading the Christmas story by candlelight on Christmas Eve, falling in love with the twinkly lights and the majesty of the tree, the secret joy of  Christmas tree lights being the only source of light in a room, waking up in the middle of the night because it's the first snow fall of the season and momma couldn't wait to share it with me, getting a free pass on bed time one evening because as I was getting ready for bed I see a note that says "meet me in the car" and driving around for hours looking at Christmas lights.

These are memories I have of beautiful Christmases past and now I have this profound sense of it is up to me to create the magic for my family if not for my own sake at the very least to keep the memory of mom alive!