PSA: This post is nothing more than a gripe and whine session written by a teary eyed new mom who had to return to work this week if you don't want to read a lot of whining feel free to visit me another day.
Well it's Friday and that means a heck of a lot more to me this week than it has in a long time. You see I started back to work this week and it's been pretty much the week from Hades. There are numerous things about being back at work that I am not enjoying but the number one thing is having to leave my sweet baby at daycare for 8 hours a day. Talk about sucky! I knew that leaving Carys would be hard heck I cried leaving her with her daddy to go to Target for an hour, but I seriously felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and stomped on.
I have literally bawled my eyes out all the way to work every single day uh so forget about wearing make up there's just no point, and then to make matters worse my well meaning co-workers will ask how she is doing and I will squeak out "she's fine" and look away before the tears start again. I have a picture on my desk of her but am thinking of removing it since looking at it always makes me tear up. To make things even more complicated I am pumping at work to keep my milk supply up and for Carys to have bottled breastmilk at daycare, the only way I can get my milk to let down is to look at pictures of my sweet baby and I even have a few videos so then I spend my entire pump time silently crying over missing my baby only to have to pull myself together to go back to my desk.
Pumping sucks plain and simple there is nothing that feels good about being strapped to a machine three times a day and that's not even mentioning my co-workers are not being very supportive about me needing to pump, I'm getting a lot of questions over how long I will need to keep up this schedule, and why am I bothering breastfeeding and comments such as; I should just give my baby formula (There is nothing wrong with formula and until we got Carys' issues worked out she was getting formula and she still gets the occassional formula bottle at daycare if I can't pump enough to keep up with her I just have a desire to breastfeed), or even I should just give my baby cereal as early as possible to cut down on the need for breastmilk. I just smile and say uh huh while in my head thinking please don't tell me how to raise my baby. Working mothers have a tough road and if you get to stay at home I envy you, I want to be you but please don't judge me for having to work I am judged enough at work.
My heart is aching and I just want to be with my baby. Me thinks Mr. A and I have a big talk coming over how much my income is really needed or how we could at least get by on me just working part time.
Sorry this post is a big downer :( but it's how I am feeling and I never claimed to blog for any other reason than to express my feelings, thoughts, and ideas.