Monday, April 4, 2011

A Test of Faith

Hello my sweet friends thank you all so much for your comments on my last two posts. Nursing is improving and I think we're finally sort of settling into a little routine. But I am facing the biggest challenge my faith has ever battled and I am calling out for prayers.

For you to really understand my battle let me back up to about a week ago. On Tuesday afternoon Carys and I were doing our usual afternoon routine of time on her play gym after her nap. It came time for a diaper change and I've been trying to get Carys to smile for me so I was blowing raspberries on her tummy and tickling her while I changed her. That's when I noticed something wasn't right I felt a lump. So I undressed her laid her back down on the changing mat and looked at her only to see a protruding lump on the left side of her chest near her rib cage. I freaked out then calmed myself down and called the pediatrician and explained what I had found and we went in to see her the next morning. Over the course of the evening my mind ran several scenarios but I was so sure that it was just something silly and the doctor would laugh at me for being the "paranoid new mommy", but that wasn't the case.

Upon examination of my sweet girl the doctor said words that made my stomach drop. "I don't know what it is, and I think we need to do an ultrasound"  so I waited for the nurse to call and we had the ultrasound at the hospital on Thursday. Having to hold down my baby girl while she cried and tried to scoot closer to me so the tech could get a good shot of her lump was ridiculously painful but I was hopeful that we would have answers afterwards. The next day which was Friday I broke down and  called the pediatricians office desperately hoping I wouldn't have to wait until Monday for answers only to be told I'd have to do just that. So I resigned myself to wait and this past weekend was very long and agonizing as my mind went to some dark places. I took solace in a great church service and amazing friends who have offered up so many prayers for my precious baby. Last night I started to get anxious knowing I'd hear something today and Carys must've felt it because we had a lot of difficulties nursing and she could only be consoled if her daddy was holding her.

I didn't have to wait long for the call from the pediatrician's office as it came in right around 9 AM shortly after I put Carys down for her morning nap. My hand shook as I answered the call hoping to hear the good news that it was simply something that would go away on it's own or that was easily manageable, but again my hopes were dashed. Instead I was told that the ultrasound was inconclusive and we would need to do a CT Scan to know what it was, I said OK and then the nurse said something that made humongous tears well up in my eyes, as I was thinking this isn't so bad the voice on the other end of the line so nonchalantly said "this will be done at Children's Hospital and she will have to be sedated for it". My precious baby girl that I would absolutely lay down my life for has to be sedated as tiny as she is.

I hung up the phone called Mr. A and immediately burst into tears I texted my girlfriends and asked for prayers and then tried to calm myself down before Carys woke up. The rest of the morning was a haze as I waited for the call to know when the scan would be scheduled. I got the call at 12:15 the scan will not be until April 19th.

That is two weeks from tomorrow. Two weeks of not knowing what this lump is, two weeks of my mind wandering to very very dark places, two weeks of praying and pleading with God to let this be just a nuisance we deal with and not something worse, two weeks of agonizing wait, two weeks for the fear over the appointment to continue to well up inside me, two weeks of horrible nightmares,  and two weeks of having my faith completely challenged more so than it has ever been in my entire life.

There is one comforting thing through all of this Carys doesn't seem to be affected in the least. The lump doesn't bother her, she is eating fine, she doesn't mind it being touched and prodded, she is sleeping fine, and she is having regular bowel movements and she is gaining weight. Right now that is my only peace.

Until Next Time....


Mrs. A

12 comments:

LeAnna said...

Oh goodness, bless your hearts! That is very scary, and I cannot even imagine having to sedate one so young... but I have no doubt that we serve a God who holds that baby girl in the palm of His. Keep us updated! I'll be praying.

Mrs. Lukie said...

I don't blame you one bit for your worries right now. Keeping you, Mr. A & Carys in my thoughts and prayers.

Melanie said...

You and your family are definately in my thoughts and prayers. I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now..but no matter what God is right there with you.

A Nerd and A Free Spirit said...

2 Corinthians 10:4-5 says:

"The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

Praying that you will be able to take every thought captive and lay it at the feet of Christ so that you may have peace.

And hoping for some sort of cancellation so that you can get the scan done earlier!

~K

Lauren said...

Oh girl, prayers are definitely going up for your entire family. I pray that God would cover you with a peace that passes our understanding!

Callie Nicole said...

Oh my, I'll definitely be praying for you and Carys, that it's nothing serious and easy to take care of! Keep us updated.

Suzanne said...

Prayer to you, honey. I can only imagine what you are feeling. I am kind of at a loss for words right now (which happens, uh, never). God is watching over you and your family though, I feel strongly about that.

Lindsay said...

Oh my friend... I will pray for you!! Lots of hugs being sent your way... I will pray that God will flood your thoughts with peace. I know you will keep us posted.

Lyr said...

Praying for you. I would be just as worried. I'll be praying that it's nothing! Keep us posted!!

Jami Balmet said...

Oh praying for you!!! Praying that God takes care of your little one and that he gives you peace in this time!!! It is all in his hands and praying for strength for you and your hubby!

Anne said...

I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now, but I'm praying for you and your sweet baby girl. May the "peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Leah said...

Oh sweetheart, I had no idea. Not that it really changes, once you're a parent, your heart no longer belongs to you, but I just can't imagine going through this at such a young age. I'm so incredibly sorry dear! I'll be praying you through these next few weeks!