Hello my sweet friends thank you all so much for your comments on my last two posts. Nursing is improving and I think we're finally sort of settling into a little routine. But I am facing the biggest challenge my faith has ever battled and I am calling out for prayers.
For you to really understand my battle let me back up to about a week ago. On Tuesday afternoon Carys and I were doing our usual afternoon routine of time on her play gym after her nap. It came time for a diaper change and I've been trying to get Carys to smile for me so I was blowing raspberries on her tummy and tickling her while I changed her. That's when I noticed something wasn't right I felt a lump. So I undressed her laid her back down on the changing mat and looked at her only to see a protruding lump on the left side of her chest near her rib cage. I freaked out then calmed myself down and called the pediatrician and explained what I had found and we went in to see her the next morning. Over the course of the evening my mind ran several scenarios but I was so sure that it was just something silly and the doctor would laugh at me for being the "paranoid new mommy", but that wasn't the case.
Upon examination of my sweet girl the doctor said words that made my stomach drop. "I don't know what it is, and I think we need to do an ultrasound" so I waited for the nurse to call and we had the ultrasound at the hospital on Thursday. Having to hold down my baby girl while she cried and tried to scoot closer to me so the tech could get a good shot of her lump was ridiculously painful but I was hopeful that we would have answers afterwards. The next day which was Friday I broke down and called the pediatricians office desperately hoping I wouldn't have to wait until Monday for answers only to be told I'd have to do just that. So I resigned myself to wait and this past weekend was very long and agonizing as my mind went to some dark places. I took solace in a great church service and amazing friends who have offered up so many prayers for my precious baby. Last night I started to get anxious knowing I'd hear something today and Carys must've felt it because we had a lot of difficulties nursing and she could only be consoled if her daddy was holding her.
I didn't have to wait long for the call from the pediatrician's office as it came in right around 9 AM shortly after I put Carys down for her morning nap. My hand shook as I answered the call hoping to hear the good news that it was simply something that would go away on it's own or that was easily manageable, but again my hopes were dashed. Instead I was told that the ultrasound was inconclusive and we would need to do a CT Scan to know what it was, I said OK and then the nurse said something that made humongous tears well up in my eyes, as I was thinking this isn't so bad the voice on the other end of the line so nonchalantly said "this will be done at Children's Hospital and she will have to be sedated for it". My precious baby girl that I would absolutely lay down my life for has to be sedated as tiny as she is.
I hung up the phone called Mr. A and immediately burst into tears I texted my girlfriends and asked for prayers and then tried to calm myself down before Carys woke up. The rest of the morning was a haze as I waited for the call to know when the scan would be scheduled. I got the call at 12:15 the scan will not be until April 19th.
That is two weeks from tomorrow. Two weeks of not knowing what this lump is, two weeks of my mind wandering to very very dark places, two weeks of praying and pleading with God to let this be just a nuisance we deal with and not something worse, two weeks of agonizing wait, two weeks for the fear over the appointment to continue to well up inside me, two weeks of horrible nightmares, and two weeks of having my faith completely challenged more so than it has ever been in my entire life.
There is one comforting thing through all of this Carys doesn't seem to be affected in the least. The lump doesn't bother her, she is eating fine, she doesn't mind it being touched and prodded, she is sleeping fine, and she is having regular bowel movements and she is gaining weight. Right now that is my only peace.
Until Next Time....