Friday, January 20, 2012

Don't Wait

Warning: Emotional Post Ahead with no filter, it's my brain dump of how I have felt the last 10 days.

It's now been 10 days that my mother has been gone. It was hard for me to get up the morning after her death knowing that I couldn't talk to her anymore knowing that she wasn't here. It's strange the sensation that takes over when you lose the only parent you know it's like the feeling that suddenly you have to be a grown up, it's like losing your favorite security blanket, there is no longer anyone for you to fall back on and you are suddenly left to face this big scary world all on your own. I am fortunate I have my faith and I have rested in the arms of my Heavenly father for the last 10 days, I also have my wonderful supportive husband, my in laws, my church family, and my siblings, but no one replaces your mother and no one ever can.

Losing her was and is the most pain I have ever experienced in my life. If I had just one word of advice to give and it would be this DON'T WAIT. If you have a rocky relationship with your mother fix it, say what you need to say, spend the extra time, make the extra phone call, take the extra minute out of your day to say I love you, because take it from me you will regret it when you lose her if you don't. In the end momma was hard to be around for me because the sickness had taken so much of her vitality and I made excuses for not being there as often as I could have, I made excuses for not calling and I even complained about having to spend time with her and it kills me just a little bit inside to think I could have had more time, I could have had more conversations because now I would give ANYTHING for just one more conversation, one more hug, one more minute with her!

Tuesday January 10, 2012 will go down as the worst day of my life, had I known that when I woke that morning it would be the last time I would wake knowing my momma was just a phone call away I would've lived the day differently. I'd had dental surgery the day before and I woke to quite a bit of pain, my sister called to tell me to come see mom and I stalled complaining about my tooth hurting, and simply not wanting to go see her because it hurt to see her in pain. I stalled until I couldn't stall anymore and I made it to my momma's bedside just two hours before she took her last breath, two hours that seemed like two minutes, two hours to say everything I wanted to say to her.

Yes I was there, I was there when she died and I am forever blessed and haunted by that memory. I wouldn't change being there for anything but, I also can't shake the image of her last breath from my head.  I could never find the words to say to momma what I needed to say, I needed her to know that it was ok to go on and be with Jesus so instead of talking I sang to her the song she sang to me when I was little and had a bad day, I sang "Count Your Blessings" and through tear stained eyes I watched my momma close her eyes and finally be at peace. My heart aches in ways I never even knew possible and I am unsure how to move forward how to go on with life in this new and strange normal. I have in all senses of the word gone back to life after her Memorial on Monday the 16th, I've gone back to work, I've resumed all daily activities but it's just so very different.

So don't wait friends, call your mothers, tell them you love them, take the extra photos, make sure your children spend as much time as possible with their grandmothers, and while doing so please remember my sweet little girl who won't remember ever meeting her Grandma Sandy. Don't wait! GO RIGHT NOW!!! CALL HER!! I'd give anything if I could!

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings. Wealth can never buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be disheartened, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.


Mrs. Moore said...

I am sorry about your loss. May you be able to find peace & comfort in this time.

LeAnna said...

I'm sorry I missed your last post, and I'm so sorry you're going through all this. You are so right, though. Life is short, and time is fleeting. Far too short and fleeting to be at odds with anyone in our lives. Praying for peace, and for contentment to flood your soul, sister. Something I learned from my Grandfather's passing (which is nothing like the death of a parent, and I won't pretend it is..) but don't dwell on the what if's, and rejoice in the moments you had. {hugs}

( Rachel just lost her Mama last week...)

S said...

I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers. I will say this much, I was a little baby when my Great-Grandma Sally died. However, it is like I knew her because of all the stories and memories that my mom and aunt told me about her. Your mom will be very real to your children. They will know who she was. God will take care of you and hold you close. (I think it is fitting that the code I had to enter was "abless." I know that God is blessing you and your family right now over and over.)

Kishah said...

I am sorry for your loss! Condoleances. You and your family are in my prayers!

Ashley said...

I am heartbroken to hear about your mother :( I can only imagine the pain you must be experiencing and I hope you know that you are in my thoughts. I'm glad that you are finding comfort in the Lord and that you trust that He will see you through-because He will.

Callie Nicole said...

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine what you are going through. This post made me want to cry, because you are so right - thank you for the reminder.