Well life goes on and this little smiling face has kept me going I am convinced she has made me a stronger person than before I had her.
I have begun the all important first birthday preparations,as it is officially 1 month away :( .
I can't even believe we're already here. I feel like we just brought her home from the hospital yesterday, and here she is ELEVEN months old, eating table food, and trying to walk! Our birthday theme is "You Are My Sunshine" shamelessly stolen from Katie @ Loves Of Life but we're putting our own spin on it. "You Are My Sunshine" and "Edelweiss" are the songs I sing to Carys every night at bed time and I wasn't sure how to plan a party around "Edelweiss" so we went with "You Are My Sunshine". We are choosing yellow roses to be at the center of a lot of the decorations because they were my mom's favorite and it's my subtle way of making her a part of the day. When I think about the fact that she won't be there to see our precious little girl turn one my heart just aches, but I know she'll be smiling down on us from Heaven that day.
Life slowly has begun to move on and I don't find myself reaching for the phone multiple times a day to call mom. It's only about once a day now that I think "gosh I haven't talked to mom all day" It's still a very weird normal without momma but I'm starting to embrace my new role in life. I still have a text message from her and a voicemail on my phone that I can't bring myself to delete I'm not sure if I ever will. I miss her in the still moments, in the celebrations, in the horrible moments, I am doing ok in the normality of everyday. I broke down and bawled my eyes out and what should've been a happy moment Carys took her first steps and all I could think was "I want to tell mom".
It's a slow process to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and begin patching them back together, but I feel as though I'm doing ok. I get hurt when people try to tell me they understand what I'm going through when I know they haven't walked in my shoes. A word of advice from a grieving daughter the words "I understand what you're going through" cut like a knife to someone who's just lost their mom when they hear it from someone who still has both their parents.
So Carys's birthday planning is keeping me occupied right now, and after it's over I have a list of other projects to keep myself busy. I just keep telling myself that I will rejoice in the day God has given me and if I just keep moving and don't give myself time to sit and be miserable I can begin to heal.
This post is not meant to be a downer because I want everyone to know yes I'm broken, yes I'm scarred, yes I am a motherless daughter, but I'm doing ok and each day is a little better than the last.