Monday, May 21, 2012

Mother's Day....I am finally ready to write about it....

I avoided it I didn’t want to talk about it I avoided people’s sympathetic glances, I even avoided my Google reader for a few days hoping to not have to read all the tributes to all the great moms in blogger land, and I tried to enjoy my Mother’s Day. But I had a huge gaping hole in my heart that made it incredibly painful. I posted on Facebook the week before Mother’s Day that I wanted to crawl in a hole and hide until the day was over. 

I didn’t do that I got up got dressed, pinned on my white corsage with silent tears at the fact that it was white and not colorful (I guess this is a southern thing if you’re a mom and your mom is still with you on mother’s day you wear a colorful corsage symbolizing not only you are a mom but you are celebrating your own mom, if your mother is no longer with you then you wear a white corsage memorializing her through flowers) and went to church I endured the displays of affection for moms trying to enjoy being a mom myself. I endured the painful video and beautiful songs in tribute to mothers. All the while missing mine, I breathed a sigh of relief when our Pastor informed us that he would not be delivering a typical warm and fuzzy mother’s day message.

I returned home from church and put my precious girl down for a nap while I prepared to host my in laws for what should’ve been a day of celebrating. My family tried they bought me gifts, Mr. A even baked for me, Carys was exceptionally adorable  twirling and dancing around the living room, my heart should’ve been bursting at the seams, but I just felt empty inside and I felt so guilty for feeling that way. I sat later in the silence of my living room after our family had left and  Carys was asleep with tears streaming down my face and quietly prayed asking Jesus to wish my mom a Happy Mother’s Day for me. I am sure that future Mother’s Days will be easier but this one was quite literally the second most painful day of my life. My comfort is knowing I at least got to celebrate one Mother’s Day as a mom with my mother by my side oh how I wish there had been more.

with my favorite girl the one who allows me to celebrate Mother's Day

he baked for me :)

he did a really great job I was proud

Carys's gift for Grandma A and yes she loved it.

I haven’t felt much like writing I’m still dealing with a lot of hurt, and I’ve been so busy just surviving the day to day that I haven’t taken the time to take inventory on myself and how I’ve truly been feeling. I miss the therapy of writing my words down, I miss the happiness of recording joyful memories, and most of all I miss the blog community….

Later Alligators…

Mrs. A


Lindsay said...

So glad to "hear" from you. I can't imagine the mix of emotions the day brought for you. I truly am so sorry. And that sweet Carys... What an adorable little red-head :)

Mrs. S. said...

Hopefully writing about it was therapeutic for you. I hope that your daughter can ease future Mothers Days for you. I think that the celebration with the corsages is a beautiful tribute to Mom.

Happy Belated Mother's Day, Mrs. A.

Melanie said...

Had been thinking about you..I must have missed your posts lately b/c I was taking a bit of a break from blogging the past couple weeks. So sorry to hear Mothers Day was hard for you..I can't even begin to imagine how you must have felt. Praying for you friend. :-)