Thursday, July 30, 2009

deeper..

I have used this word so often in the last year and a half that I'm sure some people in my life are tired of hearing me say it. But in a world where Twitter and Facebook updates serve to tell the world what's going on in our lives I want deeper connections with friends and family and relationships that I'm not afraid to be myself in. In a job where the weekends are the only thing I look forward to I want deeper fulfillment and satisfaction in what I do. In a life where it's an inconvenience to slow down and practice spiritual discipline I want deeper meaning to my spiritual life and I want a deeper understanding of Biblical principles. In a time when my life is constantly haunted by the ghost of confusion I want a deeper
understanding of life and my purposes.

My heart cries out everyday to go deeper to pass through that phase of friendship that when someone asks how we're doing we simply say "fine". It longs for the moments when I can open the flood gates and really let someone in to my inner world. The one I'm terrified to put on display for the world to see.I often feel that the world is so much bigger than me and if it weren't for my relationships in life I would merely be a speck in the universe. I long for the opportunity make a difference in someone's life and I long for the opportunity to let people make a difference in mine.

There's truth at the heart of a longing for something deeper. I think that we all have a desire to experience something deeper than just surface life. Some of us find it in friendships that surpass that glassy exterior we all put up for the world to see. Other's find it in their significant other although it's a heavy burden to bear when you are the other person's answer to a purpose in life. I often feel as though I put Mr. A in that position and it's not fair of me to do so. Other's still find it in meaningful work that they truly enjoy. Don't misread me here I have a wonderful life a wonderful man in whom I can confide in and be my trueself with. I sincerely believe that loving someone means trusting them with your true self you know the one I mean the little frail self that's inside all of us that longs to show it's true colors.

I have wrestled with this feeling this hunger inside my heart to go deeper for a long time. I have felt guilt, shame, anger, and confusion over this seemingly insatiable need I have in my life to go deeper to dig to pull apart the facades that we strategically place in our lives to make people believe life is perfect even though we all know differently. Recently one of my favorite bloggers posted about how she felt her posts were all negative even though that wasn't the case and wondered if it was a turn off to readers. I told her no that real life is messy and it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who isn't perfect.

In the instant I typed that I felt the familiar twinge of conviction how many times do we try to portray perfectness in our lives. I'm not perfect and I never will be I have faults and they are many. I struggle with making friends because I analyze situations and have a hard time putting myself out there in fear of getting hurt. I'm not proud of the fact that I'm nearly 25 and haven't completed my college degree it's a constant source of embarrassment for me, I hate my ears they stick out and I feel like dumbo, I also hate that I get stereotyped a lot because of my body shape, I'm little the stereotypes go both ways, I wear my heart on my sleeve and unfortunately it gets crushed a lot, I have a hard time not listening to gossip and am even guilty of spreading it a few times. I tell you these things not so you'll feel sorry for me but because I'm choosing today to be real and go deeper.

I have this longing in my heart to take off the masks and just be me broken and afraid of loosening the white knuckle grip I have on what the world sees. It's comforting to realize that Jesus has seen the real me from the beginning and maybe even created with purpose some of the things I hate the most about myself and they're meant to make me stronger and to possibly become some of my greatest strengths. I often marvel at my Heavenly Father's perfect wisdom only to stop and realize how utterly unworthy I am. It's comforting to me to know that I don't have to be worthy He loves me the way I am flaws and all.

I leave you with a few lines from "The Real Me" by Natalie Grant one of my favorite Christian artists.


But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin,
Broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh, Cause you see the real me


Painted on
Life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade
Always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow



the real me today is a little broken and a little bruised. I often feel unworthy of the love I've been given and I always feel guilty when I realize that despite this I've been unfair. I'm tired of the church search and ready to find a home a place to plug in and maybe even help out with a ministry a church has always been to me a place where there is no need to hide and I'm longing for my "sanctuary". My mother's battle with cancer is coming to a head and I feel like she's giving up even though she has assured me that she hasn't I can't shake this feeling of despair I see in her eyes.

When I started this post this is not where I thought I was going to end up but sometimes that happens and it works. My prayer today is that we all aren't afraid to go deeper.

Later Alligators...

Mrs. A

5 comments:

mrs.leah.maria said...

I love this post. Love, love, love it. Honesty resounds with me and I can feel your need to go deeper.

Vulnerability isn't that scary . . . once you start.

Chelsie said...

excellent post. You put into words what so many of us feel but don't know how to say.

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful and heartfelt post! Oh to be so filled by the Holy Spirit and crave only Jesus that everything else in my life is just icing on the cake. Walking wholly and blameless, being sanctified is always my goal, but so hard to do. I am grateful I am not doing this without Help.

I am so sorry about your mother. I will pray that she will not build a stronghold of despair. Prayers for peace, comfort, strength and rest for you. Healing for her.

I came over to your blog from HSC, b/c I am a Chi O too. WATCH! ;-)

Mrs. A said...

@anonymous
yay a fellow hootie!! It's always nice to "meet" a sister.

Lauren said...

Love this post...thanks for stopping by my blog- I certainly look forward to reading more in the future!