Wednesday, August 5, 2009

I wonder when it will all feel normal

I find myself this last week thinking about when I will stop feeling like a kid playing dress up. I feel this way at work and being the youngest person in my office certainly doesn't help, I feel this way with my siblings who are all older than me, I feel this way even interacting with people my own age on different things. I constantly question whether or not the way I do things is correct. I thought it would change when I got my first job and moved into my own apartment, or when I got married, but it hasn't. I often wish that life came with an ownership manual and that there was a set rule for every occurence in life, but then I realize what a boring existence that would make.

The truth is I'm probably the only person that views myself this way but I often feel like I'm not really an adult I'm just pretending. I find myself paralyzed by decisions and wondering if there are any real answers to the big questions out there. Does everyone feel this way or am I the only one who is ruled by confusion and uncertainty?

I struggle to follow what I believe to be God's Will in my life and think I do alright but there are certainly times I feel I missed the mark. Sometimes I wait for life shattering things to happen to spur me into action or I pray for the Lord to break me and mold me. How conceited of me to believe I need to pray these things as the Lord is molding me every minute of every day and I don't need to intercede on my own behalf. I don't know when or if I'll ever feel like an adult or even like a 20 something instead of a kid but maybe that's not such a bad thing. Maybe it's ok to be utterly confused by life, and maybe it's ok to make mistake after mistake as long as I'm learning as I go. I will be faithful with the journey, I'll stumble, I'll fall, I'll experience life shattering events, I'll experience miniscual moments that I should've paid more attention to, I'll take for granted people I love, and I'll fail to be true to my Lord daily........

but I'd rather fail giving it my all than to sit back and let life pass me by. I'd rather be utterly terrified of the next steps and still take them than just sit back and wait for life to come to me. I'd rather open up my heart instead of sealing it shut and never letting anyone else in. I'd rather play dress up than sit in the dark staring at the closet wondering what to wear. I'd rather fail than never try no matter how terrifying taking that next step may seem there is something much worse and that is never taking the step.

The real me today:

I'm mad at myself that I slept late I've been trying so hard to rise early in the morning and disciplining myself to view my early mornings as a gift and I have continually failed. It's so important to me but yet when the alarm goes off my bed is just so soft and warm.

I'm nervous my mom has her doctor's appointment tomorrow when we find out what the future holds in terms of whether her cancer has returned and we're going back to the days of early morning chemo sessions and late nights of worry.

I'm excited that this new church we've been visiting seems to be a really good fit.

I'm paralyzed by the fear that accompanies putting ourselves out there at said new churh.

my heart breaks today for a couple Mr. A and I are friends with they just lost his mother in May and now his stepfather passed away last night and it just seems so unfair.

I'm a little upset with myself over being a grouch this morning to Mr. A he didn't deserve it I was mad at myself not him.

That's me today..........

Later Alligators...

Mrs. A


mrs.leah.maria said...

The amazing thing though is that submission to God is to alleviate our fear, as we are not to live in fear.

I love your honesty. Getting up is such a challenge for me as well!

Lauren said...

OH I so love your honesty!