Friday, October 16, 2009

It Is Well With My Soul

Ok so mom's doc. appointment yesterday brought us news that radioimmunotherapy is not the best option for her because it causes your blood cell counts to vary too much and she'd be facing the possibility of multiple blood transfusions which isn't the best idea with her age. So now they're going to be doing something I don't quite understand but here's the way it was explained to me by Dr. Bose. They're going to harvest mom's good bone marrow and then do really aggressive chemo and once the chemo is over they'll transplant her own bone marrow back into her system. It makes no sense to me but Dr. Bose seemed pretty confident about it. It requires hospitalization and is apparently pretty harsh on the body. If any nurses out there know anything about this treatment please enlighten me because right now I'm confused and I don't like not knowing what's going to happen.

Dear friends please bear with me because I just feel like I've got to get this out somewhere. I got this news yesterday but I'm terribly hesistant to talk about it with anyone except Mr. A in real life. See ever since the last appt. when we got the not so great news that the chemo didn't work I've had this overwhelming sense of guilt over the fact that I'm just not as upset over this situation as I guess people think I should be. I cringe when I tell people what's happening with mom not because I'm sad but because they give me this pitying look and almost expect me to burst into tears. I told Mr. A last night the only thing that really makes me want to burst into tears is the fact that I don't want to burst into tears.

I'm just not hurting over this I kind of expected it and I feel a little guilty over the fact that I'm not terribly upset. I feel like a bad daughter because I just kind of let the news sink in yesterday and I didn't really show any emotion and I even think mom was a little surprised that I wasn't visibly upset. I'm dealing with major guilt and I'm not sure how to handle it. I don't want to be seen as the bad daughter who doesn't care I do I care deeply and when I think about my mom not being there for important events in my life that are yet to come it makes me sad. But when I think about how much she's suffering and how hard all these treatments are on her body I think about the fact that the treatments no matter how horrible are helping her to not suffer anymore and if the Lord chooses to take her home then she'll never suffer again and that brings joy to my soul. I have a peace about the situation and I just can't seem to explain it to anyone who asks and they look at me like I'm a horrible person when they ask me "are you ok" and I smile and say "yes I'm fine".

I often hum or sing hymns when I'm doing housework or cooking. I've had a lot of cake orders in the last few weeks so I've been in the kitchen alot. I've found myself singing one particular song over and over again. That song is "It Is Well With My Soul" and it seems to be the only way to describe my feelings at the moment.

It Is Well With My Soul
When peace like a river, attendeth my way;
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

It is well...with my soul... It is well, it is well, with my soul...

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well...with my soul... It is well, it is well, with my soul...

He lives--oh, the bliss of this glorious thought;
My sin, not in part, but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more.
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, Oh my soul.

It is well...with my soul... It is well, it is well, with my soul...

And, Lord, haste the day when our faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll,
The trumpet shall sound, and the Lord shall descend;
Even so, it is well with my soul...

It is well...with my soul... It is well, it is well, with my soul...

Later Alligators...

Mrs. A


Lauren said...

Oh that song completely makes me choke up. I'll definitely be thinking about you--what a hard situation & I can't even pretend to understand what you're going through. However, I do know that feeling guilty never does anyone any good & not wanting your mom to suffer is certainly not being a bad daughter. Hope things get better for you!

robert said...

Glad to hear that someone else enjoys singing (or humming) hymns around the house as I do. And "It Is Well," by Horatio Spafford, is one of my favourites. I've sung it as a solo many times.

If you'd like a bit of background on the man and his song, I encourage you to check out my daily blog, Wordwise Hymns for today. There I post information about things that happened in hymn history for each day of the year. (As a hymn lover, I think you might enjoy a look from time to time.)

Jen said...

i have absolutely no experience with any type of trial like this BUT i really do think that if you know that your mom's final outcome will be to go & be with her heavenly father it is only right to rejoice. the endings of those who are in Him are happy endings. if that is your mindset i think it makes a lot of sense - obviously you don't want to be without her but she's would be going home, to her real home with no pain or illness. what a blessing that you have a peace like that, that transcends all understanding, that is a gift & i pray that you don't hide that from people but use it to glorify a very good god.

sorry if this is a creepy stranger post. i don't mean to be creepy.

in Him-

AmyKristen said...

Thank you for sharing your heart with us. That must have been hard to do. I will be praying for your situation, but I guess I just want to tell you that I'm proud of you for trusting the outcome of the situation. It's not that you won't be sad with the outcome, but you trust that whatever happens is the best...and that's a great place to be in. Keep us updated

Jax said...

Hi hon. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom.. :( People always do that to me when I used to talk about my dad when he was sick. Granted, I was much younger (12), but still. I often found myself worried THEY felt awkward over ME feeling awkward and upset. I dunno.. I think it's different for different people. Do NOT feel badly about the way you're handling this. Things affect people in different ways...and right now I'm betting it's hit you, but some of it hasn't hit you if that makes sense. You're staying the course, being a good daughter, being a strong person for your family, and looking over the horizon for the next treatment. That does NOT make you a bad daughter. That makes you your mom's rock.

Plus, treatment over the course of months, etc..can really numb you. If there's one thing I understand, it's that. Saying a prayer for your mother and your family, girly. And lotsa hugs for you, too. :)

Molly Jean said...

I don't know what to say, or if there are even words...

But please know that tonight a girl from Iowa is sending thoughts and prayers to you and your mom.

Swapna Raghu Sanand said...

I am terribly sorry to hear about your mom. It must have been so difficult for you to share your thoughts with us but I am glad you did.

Please don't start thinking about the little misses that you've had coz heart of hearts, you know you love your mom and I'm sure she knows that too. Just be her rock and be strong for her too though its not going to be easy.

My prayers too are with you. Take care.

Ann said...

Seeing you from far away.Have strength and am sure your mother know you better than anyone else..!!